5am again?

Yeah, that's what I'm saying as I stared at my alarm... who invented this time?!  Who thought being up now was a good idea.  Haha not I says this man, not I.  So because last weekend I was able to get time off I am on punishment duty from the head honcho himself... though I've noticed that even with punishment in effect I'm not being punished, yet.  Work is so slow that I doubt anyone COULD be punished.  So instead of my typical 50+ hours we might be beginning the era of 36-40 hours which doesn't sound too bad honestly... and if someone knew how to schedule people would only work 8 hour shifts for us full-timers and the part timers would work what they can because 80-90% of them are in school anyways.  I watch the clock as it unevently continues to flow forward.  Just imagine this, that without boredom of some kind, the invention of the word and measurement of how long something should take wouldn't exist!  A numerical equivalent of nothing to infinity was simply created out of one things boredom.  I find myself thinking a lot, which can and cannot be it's own vice and you marvel at what is "normal" and what is "odd".

They say, love is a trap door, that you really can't look for.

So, let's see.  I had a very trying day at work, even got lectured about being a leader for the part-timers. I had a semi-serious conversation with a girl whom I have some history with about about our interpersonal relationship.  Mostly I wanted to see if there was room for moving to another level, but yet again I was a bit like Icarus with wings of wax and such... The title comes from a song I've listened to these last couple weeks.  A beautiful song and it helps keep my uninterrupted selfish drive for overcoming my sad human interactions.

I often wonder what I'm doing, what I should be doing and where I want to go with my life.  I want to leave a mark, whether that's with people, a place or in some other form as long as I have something that shows I lived on this planet I think I'd feel an accomplishment has been reached.  I wondered, like so many times before about this universe, and a conversation I had with a friend and my father a few years ago.  It's normal, right?  To daydream about acts of heroism to be amidst some form of action but you never know what you'll do until it happens right?

Also, I finished watching my blu-ray copy of Rebuild of Evangelion 1:11, which reminds me how much I want to do with Miasma and I came to a small epiphany with how Jennie will be developed through out her tenure and in many ways it reminds me of how far the book as a whole has come along since I started it way back in 2004.  Seems a life ago now when I hashed out a hasty idea for a girl in a friends basement.  She's evolved like me into something more mature, even when I regressed her in age.  Jennie is and will always be me.  She shares many of my interests, imagination, skills, strengths,  insecurities, and other weaknesses.  But like Evangelion, Miasma Angels is going through a rebuild and I finally feel like I know where I want to go.  I'm excited to hear what people have liked about my book and interested to hear where they found weaknesses or areas that desperately need tightening up.  I thank all of them for being so kind in taking the time to read it, and help me with the gross mistakes.

Psychological warfare.

It's almost 4 am and I have to leave for work.  Yeah, that's right.  So I can work at 5, WTH is with this place it's so dumb.  But what can you do.  I don't think Dustin will be there as long as I will be that's a give in.  But what can I do.  Someone suggested that this might be some kind of test to see if I'm promotable.  Good gawd I hope not.  This place sucks enough as is, and I don't think being IN the system, I can do a damn thing.

But I really want to work on May's thing when I get home, maybe I'll steal some scrap paper and doodle something out in the bays tomorrow.

job daze.

I'm calling bullshit on this next day... 5am is no time to be awake let alone setting foot near my place of work.  I still want to know who decided to change my time from 6:30am to 5:00am... Me thinks it's an HR rep. who decided after this past week to not like me anymore... *middle-finger in his general direction.*

Aside from work, life, seems to be going well, but considering all I have is work, I hope it doesn't get any worse...  But since I JUST said it, it probably will. *shrug*  For the upteenth time I was asked why I'm not married, I reply with the usual, because.  Life with me is harder then you'd imagine.  I'm kind of a downer, but seeing an excerpt from one of my notebooks from 3rd grade I've always been a little negative, especially, when it is in the present tense and about myself.  I need to work on being nicer to me.

And with my F-ed up day tomorrow I have a day off Thursday, let's hope, with any luck and some form of overwhelming will power I can start and finish a good portion of May's illustration.  A matter of fact, I need to email my cousin soon and see how the art he promised is coming...  that and maybe get some more editing done for MA but we might be overreaching a bit, lol.  I hope tomorrow is fast because it's gonna be some sort of miracle if I make it through tomorrow without bitching someone out for my shitty shift.

Working on... Life.

Getting back into writing is beginning to be much more of a task then I originally thought.

Work is horrible.  Not the actual job part of work.  People.  Are the worst part of the job.

Last week, the meeting up I got to have with Carissa and her husband, Collin.  Kind of weird that we couldn't get the whole group together but managing to get even the two of them there was a miracle in and of itself.

Back to writing though, I told myself I would try to get something down before I went to work, and I put it off until now... which is now 15 minutes to noon.   I hope I can manage to get the few days off for Matilda's birthday-thing.  I miss seeing her and everyone from the Range, though being up there is taxing.  Me missing them out weighs the trouble I'll put myself in later.  But this is good enough for now, when I get home I'll try and add another post, if I remember, hehe.

Letting go...

Today, yes, today is the day I begin letting go.  This is as terrifying and stressful an idea to me as jumping off a cliff or going into a cage with a wild animal covered in dripping meat might be to others.  I was reading my friends blog, after I had an internet yelling at from a "friend" from high-school.  No name calling but I'll give you a picture of the man, he asks for things, made under the guise of suggestions then get's mad when people aren't doing things for him.  Make sense to you?

Well, I've put up with it for too long.  It's dumb and now I'm just, letting it go, moving on and finding new (less negative) people to associate with.  I know, it's almost unforgivable to think I've put up with it...  I'm afraid of changing and I've seen that change is what I need now.

That means letting all those people fall to the wayside.  They can keep their bitterness and negativity.  So I'm starting my sophomore life without all those people holding me back anymore.  I'm better then they let me believe I am and I don't have to be in the corner anymore!

Chapter 01: The Button's

Souen for as long as anyone in the city would care to remember has seen a virtually unending rain.   With all the dark clouds taking residency over the town and it does not seem to be getting any better.   What was once the brightest beacon around, the Tree of Ahwen, but it too has fallen ill in these sickly times.  Recently its body has shown signs of swelling, a rot that has never occurred before this last year.  A deathly musk perfumes the air, many have grown accustomed to it, but more still find it appalling.  They considering leaving but find it hard to live anywhere else.  So the townspeople live with it.  Send prayers daily to the Saint Sophia, other going beyond that calling on the Gods and Goddesses to do something.

A common phrase here is, 'Even when things look their worst you will always have the Ahwen.' many hold that motto close to themselves remembering that not too long ago it was better, that this is a sign of a change.  A new age being ushered in with the celestial goodbye of Ahwen and the gloomy birth of some time yet to be named.  What was once the staple to any travel many now coming to see with morbidity how much worse it will get?  Souen is downright gloomy.  Even the oldest of citizens speak in past tense as they refer to the town; this point furthers to depress the situation.  When neighboring cities such as Furderalon, Fir Bousight, and Pageturner’s refuse to help.  Indeed a new age of selfishness seems to have been born and maybe this was better that their symbol of peace fades then live in a world that has become a powder keg of tension.  One many saying, ‘Where we go all these things that pass will be the shining markers leading us to the wonders of the beyond.’  The continent of Murias, one of the four holy sites may just well have fallen onto hard times, that this hiccup is nothing but that.  So many people call on the worst of their imaginations when something doesn't go their way.  Life comes into being and as things go that things must eventually retire and go back whence it came.  A tree is a tree no?  Though this is merely a glimpse at the wonderful world of Alba as it moves forward as we all must when time become hard.

Barbara Button is that kind of person.  She awakens to the crack of thunder.  She very well might have slept through the flash but when the thunder hit it shook the entire house and if you have ever heard, no felt that particular soul shaken moment, you simple cannot return to sleep.  The fingers of the Gods brush the silent world of night.  She has not been sleeping very well, indeed the thunder could be to blame but not when for the last few months she barely manages a few hours of rest and honestly it is straining on her last sane nerve.  She climbs out of bed but turns back and looks down at her husband.  Sound asleep Peter Button really is quite vulnerable looking.  He is such a sound sleeper she thought.  She leaves the room.  The house is dark, so much darker then the night when they had first moved in.  Lightning flashes illuminating the hallways for a split second like the flash from a camera.  In her head she counted as she approaches the stairs.  It might have been some underlying OCD but she only remembered because she'd prefer to not fall down the steps.

"Five, six, seven..." says Barbara just as the thunder roars again.  The house trembling as the hairs on her arms becomes prickly.  At times like this she misses her brother.  When he was younger Otto was always afraid of storms, especially the lightning.  Seemed so silly now but she remembered him coming into her room in the middle of a storm to slip into her bed.  The stairs lightly creak under her foot but in the silence that followed it sounded like the moans of a lonesome spirit.

Lingering for a moment in the entryway as the lightning lights up the house again.  In the moment that follows she blindly moves through the house with ease.  Swiftly through the dining room and into the couples kitchen before her sight comes back in full.  She stops and wonders if she should make something to eat.  She looks across the room and glances at the clock.  She sighs and leans over and opens the porcelain container grabbing a handful of cookies.

Glancing out of the window she doesn't see any droplets of water on the windowpane.  "What kind of storm doesn't bring rain?" as the lightning flashes.  She let's out a sigh as she makes her way over to the patio doors on the other side of the kitchen.  Stepping down she slips on a pair of her gardening shoes and slides the door open.  As she steps outside she feels a warm gust of winds a rare occasion even in the middle of summer.  Another flash of lightning lights up the sky as Barbara sees lightning dance across the clouds.  She nibbles on the baked treat as her eyes turn to the hallmark of town.

"Ahwen, so big and bright, watch over us with the grace of the Saint." mutters Barbara to herself as part of the old nursery rhyme.

"Barbara, what are you doing out here?" says Peter Button as he walks out onto the Button’s back porch.  His wife stiffens up and turns her head sharply towards him, but after realizing it's him groggily turns her head back to looking over the dying tree. 

"Oh?  It's only you," says Barbara in a playful way.  "I was just catching some fresh air."

"Ah!" says Peter as he embraces her from behind.  "Hey, can we talk about the obstetrician visit?"  Suddenly Barbara was fully awake and her stomach began to twist.

"I would really prefer not to...  She was painfully clear about our situation."  She pulled apart Peter's arms and turned to face him.  "We just aren't going to be able to have one."

"That doesn't mean it's not in the cards?  We can't just give up."
"Peter maybe that is what we have to do." says Barbara.

"I don't believe you mean that," says Peter as Barbara turns away from him.  "This has been what we've wanted since we got married.  Don't give me that excuse that your too old now, you're 34.  Sure you parents were young when they had you but that doesn't mean you have to live your life the same!"

"Go to bed Peter.  I told you that I didn't want to talk about it, obviously that means you have to keep mentioning it and talk to your hearts content about it." She turns and goes back into the house.  "In fact, maybe I should go to bed and let you have the fresh air because we heard two separate things from my doctor!" the thunder cracked as the cloud light up sporadically.

Peter watches her leave.  He doesn't move to stop her or raise his voice.  He let's out a light sigh, his brow furrowing and he balls up his fists.  He heads into the house and walks right on through, only stopping a moment to pick up a sweatshirt, his keys and his work shoes.  He leaves the house quietly.  Walking through town during the latest scourge of rain has a sort of sobering effect.  It really helps clear his head.  He knew she was bottling her feelings about the doctor's visit.  But nothing ventured, nothing gained.  Did it make what happened right?  Well, that's a matter of opinion.  He continues to walk through town passing the pavilion, town hall, and cutting through Souen Park where the foliage looks far too wet.  He ventured past the cemetery and like when he was younger he held his breathe until he was well past it.  

Then the library comes into view.  He knew it wouldn't be open.  Not this early in the morning but where else was he to go?  Home, no he wasn't in the mood to sleep he never slept very long and never very deeply.  He walks down an alleyway hidden by the library and the post office’s proximity to one another.  Making his way to the side door he took out his keys and goes inside.  First he removes his damp sweatshirt, next he removes his glasses and wipes the excess water off on his shirt.  He picks up an electric torch and snaps the switch.  The small fluorescent coil flickers to light.  He moves through into the main library.  Barbara could wonder where he went, she was too upset to really be thinking straight and being all flustered never helped anyone.

The Button's a young couple that had planned to fill their modest home with at the very least twelve babies!  They bought the third largest home in all of Souen just for the sake of having the room for a large family.   Their house has eight bedrooms, three on the first floor and five on the second.  As you enter the Button's house you'd come into a hallway and to you're right a living room with a wrap around couch with a fire place on the far right wall.  In the room to the left, back in the hall was Peter's office with the staircase to the right.  Straight ahead is the entry closet.  The Button's room was first on the right when you walked up the stairs to the second floor.    

Barbara was not one of those naysayer's, so she prayed and prayed to anyone or any thing that would lend an ear or an open mind.   She was the kind of person that do not care how or why something favorable happened and the most important of wishes asked, catch very special ears, sometimes good, but then again this is sometimes bad.    This was not one of those times, a special ear to hear those very special wishes and maybe just maybe a certain Goliath-sized tree might have heard the woman's plea.   As the twin moons Parade and Iknunai were in a peculiar formation on that night.  "Please, O mighty tree. Please give us the chance to have a baby; we, I do not care what it looks like or even if it is a seed from your own branches.   I just ask you to please, please give us a baby to call our own." Barbara spoke from her heart and something strange was on the air.

Barbara awoke laid facing towards the couple’s walk-in closet.  The sliding doors are mirrored reflecting the dreary climate outside.  She turns over to see the place in the bed.  Peter is still gone, serves him right for bring it up and this time she won't fall for his sweet act.  She knows he was only concerned but really she didn't want to delve into it again.  Her mind is all a fluster; she racks her brain with all the what-ifs.  She is well on her way to desperation.  She climbs out of bed.  Now, when a people become this desperate, some, not all will turn to a higher authority.  She walks up to the window and sees the hallmark tree.  Though many have given up the notion that there is a being of any sort of divinity watching over Alba.  She crawled out of bed, shutting off her alarm.  She was an hour early but the clock wouldn't care.  She walks over the mirror, resting her forehead on the glass she looks deeply into her eyes her image askew blurred by how close she is to her own image.

Something came over her as if touched by a muse.  She rushed to leave the room but halted as she spun around and wiped the smudge her face had left on the glass.  Satisfied that it was mostly gone she bolted out of the room.  Hustling down the stairs and into the kitchen.  She found the phonebook and went to the phone.  The receiver rang a generic telephone noise as she anticipated who would pick up then the phone clicked and there was silence.  A few moments passed, as she heard nothing, not even the breath of the other on the line.  Then in a muzzy tone the other person speaks.

"Hello..." says the man.

"Otto?  By the Gods!  It's quarter to nine.  Where you honestly still sleeping?"

"Barbara?  Well, yeah, I went to bed about an hour ago so naturally I'd be sleeping?" as he lets out a loud yawn.  "What's going on?"

"Will you come out to our place?  I need your help with something."

"All right.  Do you want me to leave this second?" then Barbara could hear another voice on the other side.  A feminine voice?

"Otto?  Otto!"

"What?" he pulls away from the phone for a moment and continues another conversation with whoever it is with him.
"I'm sorry about that."

"Is there a women at your place?"

"Um that's a little personal isn't it?"

"No, I am your sister and if you're dating then this is something to celebrate!"  She hears a commotion, which sounds like a struggle then a woman comes on the phone.

"Hello?" says the women

"Hello..." says Barbara

  "Since your brother is too nervous to spill the beans, I, Am his girlfriend and we've been together..." she pauses for a moment and Barbara could hear her counting to herself.  "About 3 years now."

"Do you have a name Ms. Three-years?" asks Barbara.

"Oh," as she suddenly bursts out laughing.  "I suppose I've forgotten to introduce myself."  Barbara begins to her Otto complaining, the women shush her brother, she could hear the tension in his rebuttal but the woman must have covered the phone with her hand.  Much of this she was guessing at because the sound was severely muted.  "I am Rio Alouette De Ciel.  We're coworkers, well not anymore they fired me because they couldn't bear to lose a genius like your brother..." the phone is wrenched away as she can hear footsteps and doors being slammed.

"I'm sorry about Rio...she can be difficult."

"She sounds perky... I didn't think you were into perky women?" says Barbara as she hears her brother let out a hard sigh.

"It's hard to explain...but you weren't calling to check up on me you needed help with something?"

"Oh, right, I was thinking of putting in a garden.  I need something to take my mind off of things here and I was wondering if you could bring one of those military macchina here to help me dig and till and maybe plant?"

"Barbara we're talking about military class machinery.  Why would I ever want to show off?" says Otto in a harsh tone.  "All right I'm kidding.  I cannot leave until tomorrow."

"Ooh, you and Rio are doing adult things hmm?"

"What?  Oh, grow up you.  No, I have to locate my truck.  Power up a fuel cell, locate some items for tilling?  I have to prepare this stuff geez."

"Oh calm down you.  You are still just as unhumorous as ever."

"Unhumorous isn't a word Barbara." says Otto sounding so much like their mother at that moment that Barbara couldn't help but smile.

"Fine.  Inhumorous whatever.  Phone me before you leave so I can know when to expect you." Barbara hears her door open.  "All right, see you tomorrow."

"All right sounds good.  Bye." says Otto.  As Barbara hangs the phone up and walks out of the kitchen to catch a glimpse of Peter as he walks up the stairs in a zombie-like state.  She wanted to tell him that Otto was coming but she also felt like she didn't want to talk to him still at the moment.