Some friend?

I don't remember why it is I feel like I owe him...  not when he reminds me of my shortcomings and how if I were more like him it'd all be better.  For who, exactly.  Not I, says me.  No, I give him the finger and in kind ask him to mind his own business.  I've never commented on his shortcomings and his lecherous personality, but maybe I ought to?  How can someone go through life using people like he does and not feel anything!  I could never do that, no, leave me my hermithood, because if the choices are that world or my own.  I'd rather be ignorant then be ANYTHING like him.  Just so everyone knows, I'm considered a horrible person to boot.  Lovely world isn't it, but I'm not allowing this, all this negativity to clog me up anymore.  No, I am stronger then anyone believes of me and I have a clear set of morals.  I don't care what they think of me or how they mock and throw hurtful things in my face.  I am better then they are.  Even if I'm the only one that will ever know...

updates....

It's been a while since I added any of my thoughts in a while, what to say, it seems like everyone is or has written a book.

Is my book such a generic idea that it doesn't sell?  Maybe?  Or like Icarus, I have a great idea that I can't really execute.  Maybe Miasma Angels is too big for me to handle.  I have tried so hard to stay positive and I will for the most part be positive but I just don't know anymore.

Excerpt of Tryst Belchior

      "Alone... Alone was how I always remembered my childhood, it was painstakingly true when time came to celebrate another birthday." 

      In the manor of the Belchior estate, the main dining hall is flooded with light.  On this end of the house Master Ezekiel had made sure that the great hall was crafted from the finest glass smiths and metal workers.  Leafs of gold were etched into the iron framing.  The glass crafted in such a way as to give the room a feeling of being submersed in water.  A boy with hair that shimmered like the finest silks and with a color as rich as golden wheat.  Is very alone on the far end of the room, sitting at the head of the table.  He is playing with his breakfast of fuba cake and misto quente.  He unenthusiastically stirs his coffee.  For today is April 11th, the young man's birthday.  He was upset because yet again his family made no effort to celebrate his day.  There would be no cake, no guests. 

     Though unlike previous birthdays there had come a single present, sitting in the center of the long table, wrapped in simple brown paper tied together in twine.  It has been in the house since the morning before.  But the boy doesn't seem too eager to open it.  But it sits there.  As if it were watching him.  He has not had the typical family setting like other children.  He knew this to the deepest depths of his bones.  Even at his young age he held much resentment towards his family.  His vision is suddenly drawn over towards the old grandfather clock as it sounds, signifying half past the seventh hour. 

     "I wonder if father's coming home so I can open it in front of him." thought the boy to himself.  He looks down towards the carpet as his grip around his spoon tightens.  Outside the room two of housemaids watch the young master through the keyhole.

     "Do you ever wonder why he always waits like that?" said the first maid.

     "No, not really.  The young master has always been that way.  Such a quiet soul, he knows Master Belchior will not be returning until the matter of the current dig has been resolved."

     "Why can't at the least his mother be here for him?"

     "You know that she's spending the holiday with Mistress Adriana, whom you know will be married soon enough."

     "Really though.  The Master should take sabbatical more then he does.  You would think they do not even care about the young master."

      "I am sure they do Claudia.  But the Master's been working very hard and the young master is that age where he can begin taking care of himself!"

     "Oh?  You think so ladies." said another as the two maids spooked, turn about face to see the judging eyes of the manors prodigal son.  He leans forward and wraps his arms around the two maids shoulders.  "You two should be ashamed of yourselves.  What the boy really needs is a sabbatical from this family." as he brushes the younger maids cheek.  He nibbles on her neck as shudders run down her spine.

      "Master Pierce!" begins the other maid as he begins to fondle her posterior with his free hand.

       "Oh shush.  You know you enjoy our little rendezvous,” the tall dark blonde man says, he slides by the maids and throws the doors open.  "Do come round my bedroom after noon and we'll think of a way to celebrate my return to the house." and just as swiftly as he arrived he closes the doors.  Tryst is startled with this gesture and looks horror struck. 

      "Oh baby brother...  Where is father?" said Pierce Belchior.

      "You know damn right where he is!" said Tryst.           

      "Ah, that's right in the dirt somewhere.  I couldn't forget even if I wanted." Pierce laughs at his own joke.  "But in all seriousness Tryst hasn't he come home?"  He briskly walks down to the far end of the room where Tryst sits, and sits himself right next to him on the table.

      "No, but I'm sure he wanted to be here." said Tryst

      "Oh, we both know that's a lie little brother." said Pierce.  This causes his brother to begin to grimace.  "Alright, sorry Tryst, Dad's not coming home.  By the goddess, you've really grown since I saw you last.  What are you eight this year?"  Tryst nods his head.  Then adjust his large glasses.

     "Oh, are you going to eat that?" said Pierce pointing at the fuba.  Tryst shakes his head as Pierce leans over him and takes his coffee cup and slice of cake.  He sips the coffee and makes a disgusted face.  "Yuck, to much sugar.  What is wrong with you!" said Pierce as he swallows the remainder of the cup of coffee before pouring himself a second one.  Only this time adding just an equal mixture of boiled milk to the coffee.  He tests the second cup and lets out a sigh of relief.

     "Ah, nothing is like Cookie's fuba!  Or this coffee, oh, this is so delicious!"

Polonaise Heroics

I don't expect anyone to understand me.  The way I do things and how I choose to live my life.  I know I am a shut in, but I still go outside.  I prefer seclusion to being in a room with a large group of people. I work better in casual settings and I prefer to stay where I am comfortable.

A friend, from high-school, came to visit and we got to talking.  His worldview has changed SO much from when we first met that he has begun to scare me.  This line he fed me about being a warrior and that his life is virtually perfect because he is with someone that allows him to be a promiscuous bastard... excuse my language.  I know his girlfriend or whatever they are now because I was informed they had just broken up.  She must have been bothered considering she's now on anti-anxiety/depression medication.  If he's not catching those signs I might have to smack a bitch... namely him.  Because I have known his ex longer then I have him and much longer then I care to remember.  I can honestly say that she is one of the few women I have said the L-word to... I am a firm believer on not saying things unless you honestly believe them... doesn't help that I'm a terrible liar to boot, lol  But just like when they began dating I reminded him that if he hurt her in any way, shape or form that he was placing his resignation on our friendship.  I know it might have been a little over-the-top but I care more for her well being then his.  He'll survive... he always does, she on the other hand...  I been told I am a bit of a worrier but that tells you that I am invested... if I didnt care I wouldn't go to the lengths that I do to make sure she's doing alright.  I know she doesn't need me but I just like reminding her that I support her.  A little sad since I think I largely come off as an annoyance.

But that wasn't the reason I was writing this... I wanted to update the old blog since I haven't since the trip to Canada... which I thoroughly enjoyed.  I've begun my first formal deadline... by the end of July I will finish the edits to Miasma Angels: Book 1... hold the applause...  I am dead-set on getting caught up and DONE with book 1...  Also I will be doing the cover art, so if anyone knows a good place to picture trees, lol, kidding.  I'll figure it out.  But will with any luck be posting more often again!

The Fear.

Have you ever listened to that Lily Allen song?  I had/still kind of have a celebrity crush on her... well her and Natalie Portman.  But yeah, I was listening to that song and I was just seeing a lot of similarities with me at the moment.  I feel like I'm in some transient state... um, maybe more like a cocoon?

...

I don't know but I feel antsy for whatever reason?

Okay so one of my ex's drunk called me to tell me that she's going through a tough break up... that her boyfriend (who she has been with for 6, nearly 7 years) in less than a month dropped the dating formality around his son.  I don't know where to begin with why I cannot console her... 1. She broke my heart into a billion pieces and hurt me in ways I have... had never been hurt before.  She controlled our relationship and used to ask me when I'd kill myself, yeah, because she and I quote said, "You are a spineless shit." granted I was a pretty emo teenager, I was emo before the term was even in use, HA!  But she was a horseshit girlfriend... I know karma will come back to get me on this point but ugh.  I don't know why I let her get to me.  Especially when I really want to not let all this negativity into my life.  Let's be honest it's very counterproductive, I'm sure I could vent it in somewhere, into one of the more angsty scenes... maybe use it to beef up the school/hostage/seance scene?

Speaking of love interest, I deluded myself into believe I was making a real connection with L... Looking back I really wasn't but I can make myself believe anything when I like the person enough.  Sadly I'm blind when I crush on a person.  She did meet me at con but then avoided me like I had the plague... really, I was kind of in bandages but that's negative man for you.  I thought if I changed, I could get a little talk time with her which lasted about 20 minutes before she had to leave and that was the end of that.  I am doing this dating thing wrong I suppose.  No job, living in parents home (which they aren't even around during the week!), I'm a bit overweight and my self-esteem could use some serious overhauling.  But I prefer to approach it as I'm honest.  Which boarders on tactless really.

Then there is K, that was over about 2 years ago now...  trying to move on and just getting shut out again.  I'm practically recluse... no, wait I am recluse!!  MA is stalled at the moment though it's creeping forward slowly.  I'm adding LOADS more dialogue, it really feels more like the first draft now, well with actual Peter/Barbara stuff...  good thing barely anyones seen let alone read that draft, lol.

I've been playing with a sequence in my head too...  Right after the big explosion... where Jennie is drained from using too much power too soon... I want to really show case some more Haru fighting and I was thinking of having them immediately ambushed by Society goons and maybe let a little secret dangle out in the open.  I really hope I'm doing this right... I think my biggest worry is since I am untrained, that my writing is going to come off as childish.  By extension this is apart of me and I guess, I just want it to be the best that it can be... but how long can I make people wait when it's already been released once before!

I should mention that I have such wonderful ladies in my life!   I really appreciate my friends Matilda because back when I needed it she gave me the confidence to continue working on this and now Carissa, who has at times gone above and beyond for me.  Se's been so supportive.  Especially when I really needed it as of late and always so prompt and NICE, with regards to my emails!  I really do appreciate her niceness.  I know, I've told people to be honest with their critiques on my book but sometimes, sometimes... I think people should use a bit more tact.  Put some thought behind their words and realize I have put a lot, A LOT of time into this story.  7 year now!  Yeah, so there are mistakes.  Yes, I know that.  More then some realize, I venture a guess but when they tell you that you have no talent, that you should have quit a long time ago...  I'm sorry but that just crosses a line of decency.  Especially when they themselves do not write and are very small minded to begin with!

Alright so this turned into a rant now... ~>_<~ (that's me releasing all my negativity, at least trying haha!)

Not a little known fact.

It's not a little known fact that I am a Nipponophile and as such I had been penpal-ing with a girl from Akihabara for the last 2 years.  Things were going GREAT, well, then the earthquake/tsunami happened.  No, that isn't true she stopped writing me on February 26th, believe me I have figured in that she is a busy person, she mentioned she is in the computer programming field so obviously she has things in her life besides speaking very little Japanese for being a native, though she explained she was raised in the states but moved back for school.  Anyways, we really connected but I don't know how involved I should be we've only ever talked over the internet... never exchanged photos I feel an emotional attachment but am I silly in this respect.  But I emailed her my last email... This'll probably sound pathetic but I kept to our letter schedule and emailed her at least once a week.  So there are now a bunch of unanswered emails so... I said a final good bye and bid her the VERY best with her life.  I thought leaving it on a high-note was for the best because I do hurt emotionally but she was one of the nicest most interesting people I had ever met.

Already June?

Yeah, I thought I'd be more active and I've logged in a few times wanting to tell of the progress I've made but then I look at the chapters and I'm not even out of chapter 3 yet!!  I haven't done a word count or a page count since I got the book published so I don't know where I am sitting but just eye balling it it looks impressive.  By the next blog I'll have those numbers for everyone!