The Fear.

Have you ever listened to that Lily Allen song?  I had/still kind of have a celebrity crush on her... well her and Natalie Portman.  But yeah, I was listening to that song and I was just seeing a lot of similarities with me at the moment.  I feel like I'm in some transient state... um, maybe more like a cocoon?

...

I don't know but I feel antsy for whatever reason?

Okay so one of my ex's drunk called me to tell me that she's going through a tough break up... that her boyfriend (who she has been with for 6, nearly 7 years) in less than a month dropped the dating formality around his son.  I don't know where to begin with why I cannot console her... 1. She broke my heart into a billion pieces and hurt me in ways I have... had never been hurt before.  She controlled our relationship and used to ask me when I'd kill myself, yeah, because she and I quote said, "You are a spineless shit." granted I was a pretty emo teenager, I was emo before the term was even in use, HA!  But she was a horseshit girlfriend... I know karma will come back to get me on this point but ugh.  I don't know why I let her get to me.  Especially when I really want to not let all this negativity into my life.  Let's be honest it's very counterproductive, I'm sure I could vent it in somewhere, into one of the more angsty scenes... maybe use it to beef up the school/hostage/seance scene?

Speaking of love interest, I deluded myself into believe I was making a real connection with L... Looking back I really wasn't but I can make myself believe anything when I like the person enough.  Sadly I'm blind when I crush on a person.  She did meet me at con but then avoided me like I had the plague... really, I was kind of in bandages but that's negative man for you.  I thought if I changed, I could get a little talk time with her which lasted about 20 minutes before she had to leave and that was the end of that.  I am doing this dating thing wrong I suppose.  No job, living in parents home (which they aren't even around during the week!), I'm a bit overweight and my self-esteem could use some serious overhauling.  But I prefer to approach it as I'm honest.  Which boarders on tactless really.

Then there is K, that was over about 2 years ago now...  trying to move on and just getting shut out again.  I'm practically recluse... no, wait I am recluse!!  MA is stalled at the moment though it's creeping forward slowly.  I'm adding LOADS more dialogue, it really feels more like the first draft now, well with actual Peter/Barbara stuff...  good thing barely anyones seen let alone read that draft, lol.

I've been playing with a sequence in my head too...  Right after the big explosion... where Jennie is drained from using too much power too soon... I want to really show case some more Haru fighting and I was thinking of having them immediately ambushed by Society goons and maybe let a little secret dangle out in the open.  I really hope I'm doing this right... I think my biggest worry is since I am untrained, that my writing is going to come off as childish.  By extension this is apart of me and I guess, I just want it to be the best that it can be... but how long can I make people wait when it's already been released once before!

I should mention that I have such wonderful ladies in my life!   I really appreciate my friends Matilda because back when I needed it she gave me the confidence to continue working on this and now Carissa, who has at times gone above and beyond for me.  Se's been so supportive.  Especially when I really needed it as of late and always so prompt and NICE, with regards to my emails!  I really do appreciate her niceness.  I know, I've told people to be honest with their critiques on my book but sometimes, sometimes... I think people should use a bit more tact.  Put some thought behind their words and realize I have put a lot, A LOT of time into this story.  7 year now!  Yeah, so there are mistakes.  Yes, I know that.  More then some realize, I venture a guess but when they tell you that you have no talent, that you should have quit a long time ago...  I'm sorry but that just crosses a line of decency.  Especially when they themselves do not write and are very small minded to begin with!

Alright so this turned into a rant now... ~>_<~ (that's me releasing all my negativity, at least trying haha!)

Not a little known fact.

It's not a little known fact that I am a Nipponophile and as such I had been penpal-ing with a girl from Akihabara for the last 2 years.  Things were going GREAT, well, then the earthquake/tsunami happened.  No, that isn't true she stopped writing me on February 26th, believe me I have figured in that she is a busy person, she mentioned she is in the computer programming field so obviously she has things in her life besides speaking very little Japanese for being a native, though she explained she was raised in the states but moved back for school.  Anyways, we really connected but I don't know how involved I should be we've only ever talked over the internet... never exchanged photos I feel an emotional attachment but am I silly in this respect.  But I emailed her my last email... This'll probably sound pathetic but I kept to our letter schedule and emailed her at least once a week.  So there are now a bunch of unanswered emails so... I said a final good bye and bid her the VERY best with her life.  I thought leaving it on a high-note was for the best because I do hurt emotionally but she was one of the nicest most interesting people I had ever met.

Already June?

Yeah, I thought I'd be more active and I've logged in a few times wanting to tell of the progress I've made but then I look at the chapters and I'm not even out of chapter 3 yet!!  I haven't done a word count or a page count since I got the book published so I don't know where I am sitting but just eye balling it it looks impressive.  By the next blog I'll have those numbers for everyone!