Ex-girlfriends

I feel like I am in that movie 'Good Luck Chuck' all my ex's seem so happy and all but one are married to the guy they met after me.  A few even have kids!  Makes you think about things, you know?  But let's face it.  We ended for some pretty legitimate reason Liz, I let her walk all over me and treat me like shit... sure I the model of indignation at the end and that was why I ended up snapping and going into my year of isolation and working midnights at a radio stations helped that.  Allie, I wasn't exciting enough.  Ashley was my real commitment but in the end I found out she was dating me in spite. Our relationship was nothing but a mean girl dong something just because she knew someone else wanted me.  Jennifer...  well there was more regret in that break up then I want to admit.  Pavi was a cruel joke who claimed I was emotionless and never told her how I felt... that makes me laugh even now.  And then lastly there was Kiersten... she told me again and again we were nothing.  Yet we... It felt so much deeper to me.  But I was only a place holder, a rebound to make her nice and ready for her next relationship.  Nice right.  Well they are all happy and have added me on facebook so I can be reminded every couple days of how great their lives are... if I go through and remove friends I'll prolly remove most of them.  They don't talk to me and really what are friends that don't even talk?

This is all culminating down to my family... most one of my aunt's that decided to take it upon herself to find out once and for all if I like women or not... First off can anyone say AWKWARD!  She wanted to know my type so they could help me meet someone when we went downtown (this was during the 4th of July and we were attending some all-school reunion since my parents graduated from there.)  Anyways.  90% of my family think I'm gay, which would be fine if I was... but I'm not.  I mean, everyone's had moments of homosexuality but I'm just not turned on by men.  No offense guys.  But yeah.  I can only guess at why everyone feels the need to pursue this.  Maybe the fam is just worried that I'm going to be alone and not have a legacy?  Kids would be great but I am neither in a relationship or financially stable to raise one.  And even if I were in a relationship I really don't know if I'd be decent father material... but that is neither here nor there.

Updates.

So, yes. I've been thinking too much about not thinking enough. I have been working myself into a corner and maybe I should take a break from my main body of work. I think there is a curse on my FF story that as soon as I decided to add it to the MA universe I've had writers block every since. So this is the day that I decide that that will not be a problem anymore. Demiurge's Wraith will for the time being GO back to the recesses of my psyche and stay in it's tartarus prison until I feel it will benefit instead of being the bother that it always ends up becoming.

As for the book. There is reworking going on and I have felt a need to fix the ending... the "current" ending to me feels rushed, empty and emotionless. I don't know if it's just me or what but there is a certain element missing from Miasma that has been missing since the original draft way back in 2004-2006. Maybe it's my influences, maybe it's me. It seems the older I get the more ridiculous some of the ideas seem. Originally it was such a lighthearted endeavor. A girl journeying around the world, meeting fantastic creatures and people. Reshaping everything along her unstoppable innocence... really it might be something too big for me to achieve. I mean, when I started the first book took a little under 9 months to write and I was moving at the speed of light. Now I'm lucky if I finish editing half the book in a year. I've never been one for fleshing out the whole of the book, which I've often thought I need to rethink and actually do. The writing process would move so much faster, maybe?

I think a lot of what is happening is that I am depressed most of the time but put on strong front most of the time. I usually don't make a deal of it unless I trust the person. And trust is something I never enter into lightly. Pain and hardship seem to be catalysts for the walls I've built around myself. This too might be why I haven't been able to have long meaningful relationships with women and I am fed up with my family asking me when I'm going to come out of the closet. I have no problem with gay or lesbian people but I just don't find men attractive. If I didn't have a penis I wouldn't be a fan of them. Typically because I always end up sitting on and or pinching mine somehow so there's that... not to go there but whatever, lol.

So there is the update.