Monday, August 1, 2011

Excerpt of Tryst Belchior

      "Alone... Alone was how I always remembered my childhood, it was painstakingly true when time came to celebrate another birthday." 

      In the manor of the Belchior estate, the main dining hall is flooded with light.  On this end of the house Master Ezekiel had made sure that the great hall was crafted from the finest glass smiths and metal workers.  Leafs of gold were etched into the iron framing.  The glass crafted in such a way as to give the room a feeling of being submersed in water.  A boy with hair that shimmered like the finest silks and with a color as rich as golden wheat.  Is very alone on the far end of the room, sitting at the head of the table.  He is playing with his breakfast of fuba cake and misto quente.  He unenthusiastically stirs his coffee.  For today is April 11th, the young man's birthday.  He was upset because yet again his family made no effort to celebrate his day.  There would be no cake, no guests. 
     Though unlike previous birthdays there had come a single present, sitting in the center of the long table, wrapped in simple brown paper tied together in twine.  It has been in the house since the morning before.  But the boy doesn't seem too eager to open it.  But it sits there.  As if it were watching him.  He has not had the typical family setting like other children.  He knew this to the deepest depths of his bones.  Even at his young age he held much resentment towards his family.  His vision is suddenly drawn over towards the old grandfather clock as it sounds, signifying half past the seventh hour. 
     "I wonder if father's coming home so I can open it in front of him." thought the boy to himself.  He looks down towards the carpet as his grip around his spoon tightens.  Outside the room two of housemaids watch the young master through the keyhole.
     "Do you ever wonder why he always waits like that?" said the first maid.
     "No, not really.  The young master has always been that way.  Such a quiet soul, he knows Master Belchior will not be returning until the matter of the current dig has been resolved."
     "Why can't at the least his mother be here for him?"
     "You know that she's spending the holiday with Mistress Adriana, whom you know will be married soon enough."
     "Really though.  The Master should take sabbatical more then he does.  You would think they do not even care about the young master."
      "I am sure they do Claudia.  But the Master's been working very hard and the young master is that age where he can begin taking care of himself!"
     "Oh?  You think so ladies." said another as the two maids spooked, turn about face to see the judging eyes of the manors prodigal son.  He leans forward and wraps his arms around the two maids shoulders.  "You two should be ashamed of yourselves.  What the boy really needs is a sabbatical from this family." as he brushes the younger maids cheek.  He nibbles on her neck as shudders run down her spine.
      "Master Pierce!" begins the other maid as he begins to fondle her posterior with his free hand.
       "Oh shush.  You know you enjoy our little rendezvous,” the tall dark blonde man says, he slides by the maids and throws the doors open.  "Do come round my bedroom after noon and we'll think of a way to celebrate my return to the house." and just as swiftly as he arrived he closes the doors.  Tryst is startled with this gesture and looks horror struck. 
      "Oh baby brother...  Where is father?" said Pierce Belchior.
      "You know damn right where he is!" said Tryst.           
      "Ah, that's right in the dirt somewhere.  I couldn't forget even if I wanted." Pierce laughs at his own joke.  "But in all seriousness Tryst hasn't he come home?"  He briskly walks down to the far end of the room where Tryst sits, and sits himself right next to him on the table.
      "No, but I'm sure he wanted to be here." said Tryst
      "Oh, we both know that's a lie little brother." said Pierce.  This causes his brother to begin to grimace.  "Alright, sorry Tryst, Dad's not coming home.  By the goddess, you've really grown since I saw you last.  What are you eight this year?"  Tryst nods his head.  Then adjust his large glasses.
     "Oh, are you going to eat that?" said Pierce pointing at the fuba.  Tryst shakes his head as Pierce leans over him and takes his coffee cup and slice of cake.  He sips the coffee and makes a disgusted face.  "Yuck, to much sugar.  What is wrong with you!" said Pierce as he swallows the remainder of the cup of coffee before pouring himself a second one.  Only this time adding just an equal mixture of boiled milk to the coffee.  He tests the second cup and lets out a sigh of relief.
     "Ah, nothing is like Cookie's fuba!  Or this coffee, oh, this is so delicious!"

Monday, July 11, 2011

Polonaise Heroics

I don't expect anyone to understand me.  The way I do things and how I choose to live my life.  I know I am a shut in, but I still go outside.  I prefer seclusion to being in a room with a large group of people. I work better in casual settings and I prefer to stay where I am comfortable.

A friend, from high-school, came to visit and we got to talking.  His worldview has changed SO much from when we first met that he has begun to scare me.  This line he fed me about being a warrior and that his life is virtually perfect because he is with someone that allows him to be a promiscuous bastard... excuse my language.  I know his girlfriend or whatever they are now because I was informed they had just broken up.  She must have been bothered considering she's now on anti-anxiety/depression medication.  If he's not catching those signs I might have to smack a bitch... namely him.  Because I have known his ex longer then I have him and much longer then I care to remember.  I can honestly say that she is one of the few women I have said the L-word to... I am a firm believer on not saying things unless you honestly believe them... doesn't help that I'm a terrible liar to boot, lol  But just like when they began dating I reminded him that if he hurt her in any way, shape or form that he was placing his resignation on our friendship.  I know it might have been a little over-the-top but I care more for her well being then his.  He'll survive... he always does, she on the other hand...  I been told I am a bit of a worrier but that tells you that I am invested... if I didnt care I wouldn't go to the lengths that I do to make sure she's doing alright.  I know she doesn't need me but I just like reminding her that I support her.  A little sad since I think I largely come off as an annoyance.

But that wasn't the reason I was writing this... I wanted to update the old blog since I haven't since the trip to Canada... which I thoroughly enjoyed.  I've begun my first formal deadline... by the end of July I will finish the edits to Miasma Angels: Book 1... hold the applause...  I am dead-set on getting caught up and DONE with book 1...  Also I will be doing the cover art, so if anyone knows a good place to picture trees, lol, kidding.  I'll figure it out.  But will with any luck be posting more often again!

Wednesday, June 8, 2011

The Fear.

Have you ever listened to that Lily Allen song?  I had/still kind of have a celebrity crush on her... well her and Natalie Portman.  But yeah, I was listening to that song and I was just seeing a lot of similarities with me at the moment.  I feel like I'm in some transient state... um, maybe more like a cocoon?

...

I don't know but I feel antsy for whatever reason?

Okay so one of my ex's drunk called me to tell me that she's going through a tough break up... that her boyfriend (who she has been with for 6, nearly 7 years) in less than a month dropped the dating formality around his son.  I don't know where to begin with why I cannot console her... 1. She broke my heart into a billion pieces and hurt me in ways I have... had never been hurt before.  She controlled our relationship and used to ask me when I'd kill myself, yeah, because she and I quote said, "You are a spineless shit." granted I was a pretty emo teenager, I was emo before the term was even in use, HA!  But she was a horseshit girlfriend... I know karma will come back to get me on this point but ugh.  I don't know why I let her get to me.  Especially when I really want to not let all this negativity into my life.  Let's be honest it's very counterproductive, I'm sure I could vent it in somewhere, into one of the more angsty scenes... maybe use it to beef up the school/hostage/seance scene?

Speaking of love interest, I deluded myself into believe I was making a real connection with L... Looking back I really wasn't but I can make myself believe anything when I like the person enough.  Sadly I'm blind when I crush on a person.  She did meet me at con but then avoided me like I had the plague... really, I was kind of in bandages but that's negative man for you.  I thought if I changed, I could get a little talk time with her which lasted about 20 minutes before she had to leave and that was the end of that.  I am doing this dating thing wrong I suppose.  No job, living in parents home (which they aren't even around during the week!), I'm a bit overweight and my self-esteem could use some serious overhauling.  But I prefer to approach it as I'm honest.  Which boarders on tactless really.

Then there is K, that was over about 2 years ago now...  trying to move on and just getting shut out again.  I'm practically recluse... no, wait I am recluse!!  MA is stalled at the moment though it's creeping forward slowly.  I'm adding LOADS more dialogue, it really feels more like the first draft now, well with actual Peter/Barbara stuff...  good thing barely anyones seen let alone read that draft, lol.

I've been playing with a sequence in my head too...  Right after the big explosion... where Jennie is drained from using too much power too soon... I want to really show case some more Haru fighting and I was thinking of having them immediately ambushed by Society goons and maybe let a little secret dangle out in the open.  I really hope I'm doing this right... I think my biggest worry is since I am untrained, that my writing is going to come off as childish.  By extension this is apart of me and I guess, I just want it to be the best that it can be... but how long can I make people wait when it's already been released once before!

I should mention that I have such wonderful ladies in my life!   I really appreciate my friends Matilda because back when I needed it she gave me the confidence to continue working on this and now Carissa, who has at times gone above and beyond for me.  Se's been so supportive.  Especially when I really needed it as of late and always so prompt and NICE, with regards to my emails!  I really do appreciate her niceness.  I know, I've told people to be honest with their critiques on my book but sometimes, sometimes... I think people should use a bit more tact.  Put some thought behind their words and realize I have put a lot, A LOT of time into this story.  7 year now!  Yeah, so there are mistakes.  Yes, I know that.  More then some realize, I venture a guess but when they tell you that you have no talent, that you should have quit a long time ago...  I'm sorry but that just crosses a line of decency.  Especially when they themselves do not write and are very small minded to begin with!

Alright so this turned into a rant now... ~>_<~ (that's me releasing all my negativity, at least trying haha!)

Monday, June 6, 2011

Not a little known fact.

It's not a little known fact that I am a Nipponophile and as such I had been penpal-ing with a girl from Akihabara for the last 2 years.  Things were going GREAT, well, then the earthquake/tsunami happened.  No, that isn't true she stopped writing me on February 26th, believe me I have figured in that she is a busy person, she mentioned she is in the computer programming field so obviously she has things in her life besides speaking very little Japanese for being a native, though she explained she was raised in the states but moved back for school.  Anyways, we really connected but I don't know how involved I should be we've only ever talked over the internet... never exchanged photos I feel an emotional attachment but am I silly in this respect.  But I emailed her my last email... This'll probably sound pathetic but I kept to our letter schedule and emailed her at least once a week.  So there are now a bunch of unanswered emails so... I said a final good bye and bid her the VERY best with her life.  I thought leaving it on a high-note was for the best because I do hurt emotionally but she was one of the nicest most interesting people I had ever met.

Already June?

Yeah, I thought I'd be more active and I've logged in a few times wanting to tell of the progress I've made but then I look at the chapters and I'm not even out of chapter 3 yet!!  I haven't done a word count or a page count since I got the book published so I don't know where I am sitting but just eye balling it it looks impressive.  By the next blog I'll have those numbers for everyone!

Friday, May 27, 2011

the day things happen.

Well it's the day of my birth (I'm not a fan of the day but I'm usually in a bad mood on my birthday... go figure.)  So yeah, working on the book has slowed down again.  Well I'm going to start writing later today.  Since con I haven't felt very positive, but that's because I saw my "friends" and for the most part the ones that showed up act like I should be on my knees rimming them out because they are such high-level beings and I'm the lowest form of life in the evolutionary chain.  One even emailed me after the weekend and told me I was rude for not thanking him for being there a whole half-hour...  but at least with the book the bad things that happen are only words on a page.  Then have depth and meaning to me but their only words, ones that I believe in.

I have to make the day better.  I'm great at a lot of things.  And I cannot continue to allow myself to be hurt by these people who only come to see me when they have been dumped or in need of sleeping 20+ hours a day.  Now if only one of the places I applied at would call me for an interview or better yet I got hired finally.  Now that would make a good birthday present, lol.

Monday, May 16, 2011

Negative Man

So comic con is just 5 days away.  Now if I was going to dress up I would have my costume done by this point.  I was planning on going as Hige from Wolf's Rain.  But oh no.  Last night we decided (me and kara) that I was going to be a DC hero so I, like usual, chose a hero that is less known so I picked Negative Man from the series Doom Patrol.  So like usual my mom will not allow me to use her sowing machine because she thinks I'll wreck it.

So Joe will be here Friday.  I don't know what Nick's plans are but he's bringing his new girlfriend.  It's so great when someone tells you they'll be single for months to get over their "heart break" yet get with a new person not even a week later.  I hate how fickle some people are.  And people who overly use the word love.  But no time for rants.  I'll be posting pics on my facebook after con and hopefully my birthday will be nice, the weekend after.  Since my mom doesn't want to do anything with me...

But there is the update.

Tuesday, May 10, 2011

why I post so late at night.

I don't really have an answer other then this is the last thing I do before I go to bed... granted that isn't until around 3 am...I wish I had something more to drive me but I don't so :P haha.  Still working on the book.  Writing more Peter parts yay!!  Otherwise no progress on the story boards but the idea of doing the book as a graphic novel seems far more a dream of the future then the now.  Though I did do a spread sheet with Jennie, her facial expressions and some poses but mostly stuck to faces.

I beat Dragon Quest 9 today WOO-HOO.  The final boss Corvus was a bastard... my Sage died and I could not revive her as my theif (yeah, theif) crit'd on her super-high tension Falcon Slash with the Uber Falcon Blade so a 4-hit combo doing more then 8000 damage.  This was awesome because normal critical hits do anywhere between 230-400 so for a 4-combo to do collectively 8000 damage the Uber-Falcon Blade was not a waste after all.  Anyways, so doing post-game stuff.  Getting the starry express back, become celestial again, defeating the legacy bosses.  Stuff I will concur when I'm not working on this, lol.

Monday, May 9, 2011

As angels made from neon raise their open filthy stinking palms.

Subjectivity is the name of the game.   Living in the hollowed out husk of someone else's dream.  We strive for a place where we can rest our weary bones, but hope that that place isn't made up of the people you've hurt.

Forgiveness is easier then hating the world.  Growing, maturing, perspectives change but do we ever really grow closer to knowing ourselves?  Perfection is an ideal that can make you lose sight of your way.

manga Miasma Angels?

So besides the obvious problems that come to mind right away.

This is what I've wanted to do with MA from the very beginning.  As a child I wanted to be a cartoonist, as a teenager I wanted to draw comics, as I came into adulthood I still want to do both.  But Miasma Angels was written and I have wanted to do this forever since I do art for the book regardless of people who have said its a dumb idea.

So I might be looking into doing this.  I need to research a little more and start this new endeavor in my Miasma saga.

Mother's day & the thunder of the morning after.

So mother's day I think we had fun.

I know I've been gone for a few days so I'll elaborate.  So this was the weekend Thor came out... (Little known fact, I was originally intended to be named Thor if my father didn't already have a admiration for one Che Guevara, true story!  PS I was always one of a set... but my other half didn't survive to birth.  Also a true story.)

So we went to see the movie, which was great and I had a nerdgasm when they started talking about the Einstein-Rosen bridge!  They even mentioned Arthur C. Clarke.  Can you talk about cool!  Makes me wanna work on Musicranger actually.  But that is neither here nor there.  Sentai-creations aside.  We came home and I helped dig.  I had no money to buy anything for my mother so I helped rearrange her garden, which entailed moving a very large decorative pool about 7 feet to the right and helping dig the new hole in which it now sits. Until my dad hit godzilla-rock and thought we could break it with an ice chipper... long story short a 7 inch move to the left and it's in we're good to go.

Also cool to note my mom when garage sale hopping and bought me a bike (I felt like I was 7 again) and I always thought that saying you never forget to ride a bike was a lie until I got on it and rode around the yard.  After being chased by the sausage and becoming severely winded in a matter of less then 5 minutes I retired to the inside to work on MA after getting my dad to watch Rebuild of Evangelion 2.22... and DESPITE his bitching seemed to enjoy it, especially the more fan-servicey stuff... IE Asuka rolling around in bed.  I wonder how much of my own perviness can be excused away from being the son of my father.  And except for my mom who refuses to admit to any such vile trains of thought my dad (bless him embraces it wholeheartedly)

So I've gotten off track... it's late, I'm tired, had a few strange dreams in the last couple of days... one involving a internment camp in germany I know concentration camp is the real term but in the dream that's what we called it.  The other was much more science fiction-y with hospital white walls, for parts of it... Running and being chased by something.  I think it would be a great addition to MA and I really need to start a dream journal and stop just saying I'll have one, haha.  But thunder always comforts me, along with the tapping of rain.  Gives me a grounded yet floating sensation that I can really accomplish great things!  Mind matter you know the saying, haha.  Is it bad that I am really laughing to myself when typing this.

Oh, so one last little blurb... I was watching Episode 11 of Gokaiger and Episode 32 of Oh's and man I really could right a doctoral thesis one why I like these shows at the moment.  Gokai especially the character rhetoric, the cast is so great, comedically they mesh well have beyond great chemistry and the timing, expressions MARVELOUS!  OOOs for the cast, obviously, the story and the twists they but in.  I love grey characters, especially in the manor Kamen Rider does this.  It keeps you guessing for the most part where the story will be going.  And for me I severely doubt the hero managing to pull off the miracle to save the say, I know this will be turned around in the end but its great to be in suspense like that.  Anyways, good shows... no, Great shows which you should not expect anything less from Anniversary seasons 35 for sentai and the big 4-0 for Kamen Rider.

Wednesday, May 4, 2011

working.

Well really this is the lack of working.  I'm not complaining with ALL this free time that I have... but I guess I am, haha.  I do miss having a purpose other then working on the book.  Real deadlines and and interactions with people...  I wish that I had an allowance.  But then I would be expected to do more, much more than I do.  Wow, even with nothing I find things to gripe about.  Ugh, someday I'll make it (with any luck that is) and I'll repay my parents and my friend 100 times over for the kindness they've all showed me.  Such sympathy and well wishing really should be worth something.  I just wish I could repay some of it now. 

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Who is Peter François Button?

He is many things but above all others he is human.

Is that vague enough for you world!!!  Ambiguity is the name of the muther-F*N game and the one that makes the least sense wins.

But on a more serious note.  I decided to add some gory details from his past into book 1's 4th rewrite... if you do the math that is like a rewrite every 1.75 years... So really this is a good thing.  I'm obviously a slow learner and I will never give up on giving this world, these characters a proper tribute!

Major Changes:
*Hom is now Alba (gaelic word for home so I felt it fit better with the worldscope.)
*Stouri Beegens is Souien which is already pretty much canon besides some flub ups on my part.
*Jennie will be seeing more combat... literally.  She'll be fighting by the festival.  Albeit not as seasoned as Haru/Nigel/Jin but holding her own... I'm thinking of adding some Karate Kid moments for her and Haru create some tension.  (okay someone can stop me if Haru/Jennie is bordering on pedophilia...  it's supposed to be her first real crush and I SWEAR to YWVH I will not allow any perversions in my book that goes beyond the crush zone.)  
*the introductions of Tamatsu, Tryst and Pierce may or may not happen anymore... I might have more fleshing out to do and I was thinking of either moving the monastery scene further towards the beginning to omitting it all together.  That stuff is still in the air.
*Adding the COLORs is a definite but also omitting Joseph and any Zeriel portions, that stuff is WAY TOO early... but maybe not?
*Peter's back story will be added but only portions, the Rose stuff and his days with Pengelworm. 

Brother-in-Laws

So yeah, I wasn't home at all last night so I didn't get much written but I did get to read (no harry potter 4 but you know I'm taking my time with Harry and his crew, lol.)  Mike called me last night and reminded me that they wanted me to come to St. Cloud with them for his leg refitting.  Yay... er, not so much.  Got over to Kara's around 10 last night and watched Mike play his baseball game for an hour then he watched Hawaii 5-0 and I read this secret society book Kara had left at the 'rents.  Then Kara got home and after she did her after work ritual we watched 2 episodes of Red Green... then they went to bed and I watched American Dad/Family Guy then read a little more and went to bed... that was around 3:15 right at 7 o'clock Mike's alarm started going off and he took his sweet time to turn it off (by sweet time I mean 10-15 minutes.  That's a stubborn alarm, lol.)  Then he woke up and chugged through the house (there is no honest way to describe the sound his walker makes as he shuffles around.)  The step-nephew was off to school and I pretended to stay asleep to avoid awkward conversations.

We were 20 minutes late for his appointment and I stayed in the waiting room, playing my ds while Mike was refitted and measured.  This is the first time since the wedding I've seen him dawn his leg.  And I don't know why it irks me so much that he doesn't use it but it does.  I guess I always imagine what if it was me in that position.  You know I wouldn't let losing my leg stop me!  He just doesn't have the drive and it really seems like a shame.

So after that we bummed around crossroads for a while and Kara decided to buy a ring. (maybe it's a female thing or just my sister but she purchases jewelery for the strangest reasons?)  I saw at one of the kiosks that they had a copy of Bomberman Hero... I wish I hadn't sold my n64 when I was 14... I loved that game SO much and I think someday I will try and get it again.  Anyways, then I got home after some magical vehicle swapping and got home to see my facebook was hacked... ugh.  So I changed the password, again (this is #6) and talked to a old RPing buddy.  So there's the update.  I have to think of what to have for dinner and then I'm gonna try working on MA some.  I've been thinking about it more and feeling rejuvenated at the idea of working on it.

Monday, May 2, 2011

the Miasma Angels

So yep, I seemed to have found a new wind... it's a slow building gust but soon it'll be taking me over and returning me to the longest love.  The MA universe, the only success I've had in my short 25 years on this planet.  I am adding to the world, a very dear friend and fellow writer has been SO much help that I cannot honestly thank her enough.  She'll remain ambiguous for the moment but she'll have a special shout out in the revised dedications.

As for updates... I've added more dialogue to Peter and Barbara and I am VERY happy with this.  It's like I'm just getting to know these two.  They are so wonderful and it'll be great to finally flesh them out.  EVEN Otto is finally getting dialogue, I'm sure he's had some things to say but I'm glad his childhood mutism passed.  And finally getting to introduce Rio to the world as more then the bubbly girlfriend.  She'll be surprising to see where she'll take her parts :D 

Also I want to add that the book will be ending in a new place.  This will hopefully give a more suspenseful and climactic ending.  One that I feel is much more proper than the ending I caved into putting in because of my feelings of inadequacy.  Jin will be fleshed out and I am a little unsure if I should add his backstory.  If I can find a way to link it properly then I will be adding it in.  Also Haru's role will be expanded and I may or may not be delving into more of his back story.

Well that is the book update.  I hope the ether is kind to all those that are out there.

Sunday, May 1, 2011

Breaks and Dragon Quest 9

So one of my infamous Ex's Liz caught me on Facebook the other day and I'm pretty sure she had been drinking just because she was changing the subject a lot.  But she expressed the desire to work on something with me...  For whatever reason she thinks us doing this will somehow put us back in the place so we might date.  I've expressed that I don't want to be with her anymore she's hurt me more then I like to admit even to myself so I picked a story I haven't touched in a while with the knowledge that because of it she would most likely go back to her corner of the internet.  But this time she said she wanted to try working on it.  Surprise much.  Well we'll see if she gets back to me about this.

Also I've been playing Dragon Quest 9 some more and my official time is around 110 hours.  So yeah, the only game I've played more than this is the Persona series.  Which I cannot wait for 'Catherine' to come out OMG that game looks good!  Anyways.  Just trying to keep myself to updating more then once every 6 months to a year.

Taking breaks and Zoranger.

So one of my infamous Ex's Liz caught me on Facebook the other day and I'm pretty sure she had been drinking just because she was changing the subject a lot.  But she expressed the desire to work on something with me...  For whatever reason she thinks us doing this will somehow put us back in the place so we might date.  I've expressed that I don't want to be with her anymore she's hurt me more then I like to admit even to myself so I picked a story I haven't touched in a while with the knowledge that because of it she would most likely go back to her corner of the internet.  But this time she said she wanted to try working on it.  Surprise much.  Well we'll see if she gets back to me about this.

Also I've been playing Dragon Quest 9 some more and my official time is around 110 hours.  So yeah, the only game I've played more than this is the Persona series.  Which I cannot wait for 'Catherine' to come out OMG that game looks good!  Anyways.  Just trying to keep myself to updating more then once every 6 months to a year.

Thursday, April 28, 2011

Ex-girlfriends

I feel like I am in that movie 'Good Luck Chuck' all my ex's seem so happy and all but one are married to the guy they met after me.  A few even have kids!  Makes you think about things, you know?  But let's face it.  We ended for some pretty legitimate reason Liz, I let her walk all over me and treat me like shit... sure I the model of indignation at the end and that was why I ended up snapping and going into my year of isolation and working midnights at a radio stations helped that.  Allie, I wasn't exciting enough.  Ashley was my real commitment but in the end I found out she was dating me in spite. Our relationship was nothing but a mean girl dong something just because she knew someone else wanted me.  Jennifer...  well there was more regret in that break up then I want to admit.  Pavi was a cruel joke who claimed I was emotionless and never told her how I felt... that makes me laugh even now.  And then lastly there was Kiersten... she told me again and again we were nothing.  Yet we... It felt so much deeper to me.  But I was only a place holder, a rebound to make her nice and ready for her next relationship.  Nice right.  Well they are all happy and have added me on facebook so I can be reminded every couple days of how great their lives are... if I go through and remove friends I'll prolly remove most of them.  They don't talk to me and really what are friends that don't even talk?

This is all culminating down to my family... most one of my aunt's that decided to take it upon herself to find out once and for all if I like women or not... First off can anyone say AWKWARD!  She wanted to know my type so they could help me meet someone when we went downtown (this was during the 4th of July and we were attending some all-school reunion since my parents graduated from there.)  Anyways.  90% of my family think I'm gay, which would be fine if I was... but I'm not.  I mean, everyone's had moments of homosexuality but I'm just not turned on by men.  No offense guys.  But yeah.  I can only guess at why everyone feels the need to pursue this.  Maybe the fam is just worried that I'm going to be alone and not have a legacy?  Kids would be great but I am neither in a relationship or financially stable to raise one.  And even if I were in a relationship I really don't know if I'd be decent father material... but that is neither here nor there.

Wednesday, April 27, 2011

Updates.

So, yes. I've been thinking too much about not thinking enough. I have been working myself into a corner and maybe I should take a break from my main body of work. I think there is a curse on my FF story that as soon as I decided to add it to the MA universe I've had writers block every since. So this is the day that I decide that that will not be a problem anymore. Demiurge's Wraith will for the time being GO back to the recesses of my psyche and stay in it's tartarus prison until I feel it will benefit instead of being the bother that it always ends up becoming.

As for the book. There is reworking going on and I have felt a need to fix the ending... the "current" ending to me feels rushed, empty and emotionless. I don't know if it's just me or what but there is a certain element missing from Miasma that has been missing since the original draft way back in 2004-2006. Maybe it's my influences, maybe it's me. It seems the older I get the more ridiculous some of the ideas seem. Originally it was such a lighthearted endeavor. A girl journeying around the world, meeting fantastic creatures and people. Reshaping everything along her unstoppable innocence... really it might be something too big for me to achieve. I mean, when I started the first book took a little under 9 months to write and I was moving at the speed of light. Now I'm lucky if I finish editing half the book in a year. I've never been one for fleshing out the whole of the book, which I've often thought I need to rethink and actually do. The writing process would move so much faster, maybe?

I think a lot of what is happening is that I am depressed most of the time but put on strong front most of the time. I usually don't make a deal of it unless I trust the person. And trust is something I never enter into lightly. Pain and hardship seem to be catalysts for the walls I've built around myself. This too might be why I haven't been able to have long meaningful relationships with women and I am fed up with my family asking me when I'm going to come out of the closet. I have no problem with gay or lesbian people but I just don't find men attractive. If I didn't have a penis I wouldn't be a fan of them. Typically because I always end up sitting on and or pinching mine somehow so there's that... not to go there but whatever, lol.

So there is the update.